Rejected: List: “Fake Geographic Name for Drugs or Real Name for Wrestler?”
1. American Ninja
2. Tokyo Magnum
3. British Bulldog
4. Hawaiian Hammer
5. Wild Samoan
6. Peruvian Thundercloud
7. Guatemalan Earthquake
8. Canadian Earthquake
9. Baja Bruiser
10. Texas Tornado
11. His Royal British Highness
12. Amazonian Creeper
13. Portuguese Man of War
14. The Spanish Armada
15. South of the Border, Top of the Turnbuckle
16. Rochester Roadblock
Fake Drugs: 4, 6, 7, 9, 11, 12, 14, 15
Real Wrestlers: 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 10, 13, 16
Rejected: List: Wii Games for the Bookish and Asthmatic
Wii Games for the Bookish and Asthmatic
David Hart
- Zelda’s friend, John Myronas, 13th Century Scribe
- Wario’s Careful Archeological Excavation
- The Adventures of Samrab, the wizard whose dangerous potions must be
slowly mixed
- Double-Check Those Quadratics
- Shhh! Nap Masters
- Quietly Read with John Hodgman
- Crochet Time!
Rejected Writing: Sam Mendes’ Suburban House is For Sale
Sam Mendes’ Suburban House is For Sale
Available Now! 5 Bedroom, 3 bathroom colonial with good bones that
will slowly drive a wedge in any family. 2 car garage roomy enough for
workspace or for just sitting in your car weeping quietly to yourself
as you consider the fleeting nature of life and your increasingly
limited options for change. Great light throughout, shining a harsh
spotlight on the overwhelming deterioration of time. Sunroom, dining
room, large living room perfect for having loud arguments about the
cold, dispassionate state of your union, for hurtling insults or small
pieces of furniture along with accusations of infidelty. Master
bedroom with jet bath suitable for relaxing or for engaging in drunken
and insignificant compulsory physicality that results in unwanted and
drastically neglected children. Close to major transportation to city,
providing excuses for affairs while “working late” and for creating a
sense of quiet and soul-crushing isolation for housewives. Sizable
back yard great for entertaining with lengthy parties that devolve
into torrid orgiastic tempests of disgrave, indignity, and pathetic
flirtation with neighbors/family.
This deal, much like your marriage and your life, WON’T LAST!!
New washer/dryer included.
List up on McSweeneys
To steal a phrase from Tom Scharpling: I did it again. I did it again.
http://mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/27DavidHart.html
Two audio clips that make me very happy
Chris L. on the Best Show doing an impression of Herbie Hancock being welcomed on Elvis Costello’s show:
Jon Glaser tearing it up on Delocated:
Rejected: Writing Not Good Enough For The Internet: The Lists Edition
Some rejected lists:
Band names that, if taken literally, might get you arrested on tour
The Killers
The New Pornographers
Porno for Pyros
The Homosexuals
Fine Young Cannibals
Ways That An Older Jon Bon Jovi’s Will Be “Going Out in a Blaze of Glory”
- In a lukewarm bath of lavender and distinction
- With a moistened facetowel of commendation and a bottle of the filtered water of accolade
- During a colonoscopy of acclaim with a high-fiber diet of homage
- In a notable flash of competence, preferably while upgraded to First Class
Lesser Known Conditions of Bonnie Tyler
- Partial Eclipse of the Heart
- Mostly Sunny of the Throat
- Party Cloudy of the Glands
- Hot and Sticky of the Lower Lumbar
- Wintery Mix of the Colon; Snow chains required
PRESBYTERIAN HYMN OR PR0N?
1. There is a Balm in Gilead
2. Now To Your Table Spread
3. Hearts Cracked Open
4. In Search of the Wild Kingdom
5. The Lone, Wild Bird
6. Coming Home
7. I Come With Joy
8. Sacred Sin
9. Careful He May Be Watching
10. Somebody’s Knocking at Your Door
11. Black Angel
12. Not For Tongues of Heaven’s Angels
13. Fill My Cup
Prebytrian Hymn: 1, 2, 5, 7, 10, 12, 13
Porn: 3, 4, 6, 8, 9, 11
Rejected: Writing not even good enough for the internet: James Brown Sequels
I send around comedy pieces to get published online from time to time. Sometimes they get picked up. Sometimes not. And so begins the publication of Rejected works. Here is one of my most favorites, rejected by at least three publishers.
POSSIBLE SEQUEL CONCEPTS AFTER THE INEVITABLE JAMES BROWN BIOPIC:
JB2: Judgement Day
Future Cyborg James Brown travels back in time to the past to battle Past Cyborg James Brown in a fight of funkiness. However, humanity acknowledges the awesome power of two James Browns, and world peace ensues under a banner of funky good times and hot pants for all. Unfortunately, Past Cyborg JB gets Linda Blair addicted to crack.
James Brown Begins
We learn of the early kung-fu training of James Brown necessary to ascend the throne to become the Godfather of Soul. Funky monastic montages with Liam Neeson culminate in a battle against the evil
soulless singer, Billy Joel. The Hardest Working Man in Show Business is victorious, and Joel is run over repeatedly by an elevated train driven by Fred Wesley to the tune of the roller-skating classic “(It’s
Not The Express) It’s The JBs Monaurail (Part 1)”.
Rocky IV.5
After topping the charts, the Minister of The New New Super Heavy Funk hits hard times and is upstaged by a monotone Russian soul singer. Encouraged by his friend Apollo Creed, James goes to rural Russia to
get back to the funky basics, and triumphantly regains his title by performing “Livin’ In America” in the ring. Some kind of boxing competition happens, but the credits roll with the Soul Brother Number One marrying Brigitte Nielsen in an American flag cape and doing the splits.
Apollo James Brown
After takeoff, disaster ensues with the Apollo space mission as the capsule has (what appears to be) fatal problems. Engineers race to fix the issue, but success comes only when a young James Brown appears and
screams orders such as “Do it like a sex machine”, “Get it funky in your own way!”, “Treat your daughter right!”, and “Get on up!”. Upon landing, JB spins three times and does the splits after feigning
exhaustion.
A Mighty Funky Heart
In a controversial casting choice, Brad Pitt is picked to play the role of James. We learn the shocking revelation that Gerald Ford (played by Jamie Foxx, in an equally confusing casting choice) and
James Brown were the same person.
Harry Potter and the Mystery of James Brown
JB teaches the ways of women to young Master Potter in the final episode of the series. Potter learns that no amount of sorcery can match the power of wearing a cape and doing the splits while screaming. In the end, Hermione runs off with Brown, wearing a thong and a white furcoat.
Presidential Debate II: Moustache Glasses TV
How do we up the ante from the first round of Moustache Debates? Glasses. Nerds, poindexters, geeks – that’s what the world needs now, not a suave smoothe operator with a stylish lip furhat. Here we go. Click on ‘em to make ‘em bigger.
The Naming of Judi
One of our cats is named Dame Judi Dench, mostly because of personality. But the resemblance is uncanny.
Jules At Rest
The other day one of the Brosnan-era Bond flicks came on and we now have PROOF.
The Dames, Side By Side
![\"Pardon me!\" \"Get your paw off of me!\"](http://davidhart.org/blech/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/pardonme.jpg "\\"Pardon me!\\" \\"Get your paw off of me!\\"")
“Pardon me!” “Get your paw off of me!”
“Your insolence is unacceptable, Bond.”
Moustache Debate Part 2: The VP Edition
Even the moustache was insufficient in squashing the anger. But it helped. Maybe next time a full beard needs to be employed.
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- Joe “El Guapo” Biden
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- Serious Stache
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- The Stache Understands
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- The Middle Class Stache
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- Straight Talk Stasche
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- Waiting for Instructions Stache
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- Hockey Mom hairlip
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- Cha cha cha!
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- Compassionate Stache
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- Selleck, Alaska
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- 70s Sarah
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- Gwen measures it
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- AHH! EYESTACHE!
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- Finger stache
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- I have a wristband, too
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- Gwen’s Sunday Crown
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- So close
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- Smokin’ Stache
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- The Unibrow
The Mind of a….
I swear this is not a Photoshop job.
Moustache Debate!
A comedian named Andy Daly “created” a “game” called Moustache TV (http://www.mustachetv.net/). Basically, you slap a fake moustache on your TV and wait for it to land on an object. It was a lifesaver during the debates; I can’t wait for the vice presidential debate.
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- Sasparilla Obama
MICHELLEOBAMASISTABO!
If you didn’t see the original, the guys from Detroit Octane did a song called Barack Obama-Sistable set to Simply Irresistible. Here’s my ode to our future FLOTUS, Michelle Obama. YouTube should be removing it soon, either for copyright infringement or for TERRIBLE singing. Really, I will never quit my day job.
“Giant dog turd wreaks havoc at Swiss museum”
My brother and I like to collect weird headlines. I think I’ve won with this one from The Guardian:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/aug/12/3?gusrc=rss&feed=networkfront
Dave’s Toast
Here’s the wedding toast by The Bestest Dude:
Why I might watch soccer more
While watching the Euro 2008 Final, I realized the perverse majesty of listening to a guy with a heavy Scottish accent say the following things:
- “look at him inject the piss into that”
- “you can see the bleeding – may be a couple of quick stitches or the staple gun again”
- “get that blood and stem it from coming out of the eye”
- “he was earlier denied by the woodwork”
My Brother is Stupid, According to The Daily Show
Photos of screens for a PopRally party at MoMA
For work I do some stuff with a group called “PopRally” that, for lack of a better explanation, does programming for young folks. For the last event, I made some animations for the lobby screens, and here are some photos of them in action by the photographer for the event:
List up on McSweeney’s
Finally got a list up on McSweeney’s.
And for the record, I got nothing but love for the trans folk out there.
Shark Memo!
I love weird logos. This one is from “Great White” style copy paper from a vendor. I like that they’ve tried to cram everything in: oh, it’s called “Great White” so add a shark, also it’s recycled so throw that in there, but people don’t want to think it’s recycled shark bits, so put a memo in there. There — perfect!
