Rejected: Writing not even good enough for the internet: James Brown Sequels
I send around comedy pieces to get published online from time to time. Sometimes they get picked up. Sometimes not. And so begins the publication of Rejected works. Here is one of my most favorites, rejected by at least three publishers.
POSSIBLE SEQUEL CONCEPTS AFTER THE INEVITABLE JAMES BROWN BIOPIC:
JB2: Judgement Day
Future Cyborg James Brown travels back in time to the past to battle Past Cyborg James Brown in a fight of funkiness. However, humanity acknowledges the awesome power of two James Browns, and world peace ensues under a banner of funky good times and hot pants for all. Unfortunately, Past Cyborg JB gets Linda Blair addicted to crack.
James Brown Begins
We learn of the early kung-fu training of James Brown necessary to ascend the throne to become the Godfather of Soul. Funky monastic montages with Liam Neeson culminate in a battle against the evil
soulless singer, Billy Joel. The Hardest Working Man in Show Business is victorious, and Joel is run over repeatedly by an elevated train driven by Fred Wesley to the tune of the roller-skating classic “(It’s
Not The Express) It’s The JBs Monaurail (Part 1)”.
Rocky IV.5
After topping the charts, the Minister of The New New Super Heavy Funk hits hard times and is upstaged by a monotone Russian soul singer. Encouraged by his friend Apollo Creed, James goes to rural Russia to
get back to the funky basics, and triumphantly regains his title by performing “Livin’ In America” in the ring. Some kind of boxing competition happens, but the credits roll with the Soul Brother Number One marrying Brigitte Nielsen in an American flag cape and doing the splits.
Apollo James Brown
After takeoff, disaster ensues with the Apollo space mission as the capsule has (what appears to be) fatal problems. Engineers race to fix the issue, but success comes only when a young James Brown appears and
screams orders such as “Do it like a sex machine”, “Get it funky in your own way!”, “Treat your daughter right!”, and “Get on up!”. Upon landing, JB spins three times and does the splits after feigning
exhaustion.
A Mighty Funky Heart
In a controversial casting choice, Brad Pitt is picked to play the role of James. We learn the shocking revelation that Gerald Ford (played by Jamie Foxx, in an equally confusing casting choice) and
James Brown were the same person.
Harry Potter and the Mystery of James Brown
JB teaches the ways of women to young Master Potter in the final episode of the series. Potter learns that no amount of sorcery can match the power of wearing a cape and doing the splits while screaming. In the end, Hermione runs off with Brown, wearing a thong and a white furcoat.