Rejected: List: “Fake Geographic Name for Drugs or Real Name for Wrestler?”
1. American Ninja
2. Tokyo Magnum
3. British Bulldog
4. Hawaiian Hammer
5. Wild Samoan
6. Peruvian Thundercloud
7. Guatemalan Earthquake
8. Canadian Earthquake
9. Baja Bruiser
10. Texas Tornado
11. His Royal British Highness
12. Amazonian Creeper
13. Portuguese Man of War
14. The Spanish Armada
15. South of the Border, Top of the Turnbuckle
16. Rochester Roadblock
Fake Drugs: 4, 6, 7, 9, 11, 12, 14, 15
Real Wrestlers: 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 10, 13, 16
Rejected: List: Wii Games for the Bookish and Asthmatic
Wii Games for the Bookish and Asthmatic
David Hart
- Zelda’s friend, John Myronas, 13th Century Scribe
- Wario’s Careful Archeological Excavation
- The Adventures of Samrab, the wizard whose dangerous potions must be
slowly mixed
- Double-Check Those Quadratics
- Shhh! Nap Masters
- Quietly Read with John Hodgman
- Crochet Time!
Rejected Writing: Sam Mendes’ Suburban House is For Sale
Sam Mendes’ Suburban House is For Sale
Available Now! 5 Bedroom, 3 bathroom colonial with good bones that
will slowly drive a wedge in any family. 2 car garage roomy enough for
workspace or for just sitting in your car weeping quietly to yourself
as you consider the fleeting nature of life and your increasingly
limited options for change. Great light throughout, shining a harsh
spotlight on the overwhelming deterioration of time. Sunroom, dining
room, large living room perfect for having loud arguments about the
cold, dispassionate state of your union, for hurtling insults or small
pieces of furniture along with accusations of infidelty. Master
bedroom with jet bath suitable for relaxing or for engaging in drunken
and insignificant compulsory physicality that results in unwanted and
drastically neglected children. Close to major transportation to city,
providing excuses for affairs while “working late” and for creating a
sense of quiet and soul-crushing isolation for housewives. Sizable
back yard great for entertaining with lengthy parties that devolve
into torrid orgiastic tempests of disgrave, indignity, and pathetic
flirtation with neighbors/family.
This deal, much like your marriage and your life, WON’T LAST!!
New washer/dryer included.
List up on McSweeneys
To steal a phrase from Tom Scharpling: I did it again. I did it again.
http://mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/27DavidHart.html
Rejected: Writing Not Good Enough For The Internet: The Lists Edition
Some rejected lists:
Band names that, if taken literally, might get you arrested on tour
The Killers
The New Pornographers
Porno for Pyros
The Homosexuals
Fine Young Cannibals
Ways That An Older Jon Bon Jovi’s Will Be “Going Out in a Blaze of Glory”
- In a lukewarm bath of lavender and distinction
- With a moistened facetowel of commendation and a bottle of the filtered water of accolade
- During a colonoscopy of acclaim with a high-fiber diet of homage
- In a notable flash of competence, preferably while upgraded to First Class
Lesser Known Conditions of Bonnie Tyler
- Partial Eclipse of the Heart
- Mostly Sunny of the Throat
- Party Cloudy of the Glands
- Hot and Sticky of the Lower Lumbar
- Wintery Mix of the Colon; Snow chains required
PRESBYTERIAN HYMN OR PR0N?
1. There is a Balm in Gilead
2. Now To Your Table Spread
3. Hearts Cracked Open
4. In Search of the Wild Kingdom
5. The Lone, Wild Bird
6. Coming Home
7. I Come With Joy
8. Sacred Sin
9. Careful He May Be Watching
10. Somebody’s Knocking at Your Door
11. Black Angel
12. Not For Tongues of Heaven’s Angels
13. Fill My Cup
Prebytrian Hymn: 1, 2, 5, 7, 10, 12, 13
Porn: 3, 4, 6, 8, 9, 11
Rejected: Writing not even good enough for the internet: James Brown Sequels
I send around comedy pieces to get published online from time to time. Sometimes they get picked up. Sometimes not. And so begins the publication of Rejected works. Here is one of my most favorites, rejected by at least three publishers.
POSSIBLE SEQUEL CONCEPTS AFTER THE INEVITABLE JAMES BROWN BIOPIC:
JB2: Judgement Day
Future Cyborg James Brown travels back in time to the past to battle Past Cyborg James Brown in a fight of funkiness. However, humanity acknowledges the awesome power of two James Browns, and world peace ensues under a banner of funky good times and hot pants for all. Unfortunately, Past Cyborg JB gets Linda Blair addicted to crack.
James Brown Begins
We learn of the early kung-fu training of James Brown necessary to ascend the throne to become the Godfather of Soul. Funky monastic montages with Liam Neeson culminate in a battle against the evil
soulless singer, Billy Joel. The Hardest Working Man in Show Business is victorious, and Joel is run over repeatedly by an elevated train driven by Fred Wesley to the tune of the roller-skating classic “(It’s
Not The Express) It’s The JBs Monaurail (Part 1)”.
Rocky IV.5
After topping the charts, the Minister of The New New Super Heavy Funk hits hard times and is upstaged by a monotone Russian soul singer. Encouraged by his friend Apollo Creed, James goes to rural Russia to
get back to the funky basics, and triumphantly regains his title by performing “Livin’ In America” in the ring. Some kind of boxing competition happens, but the credits roll with the Soul Brother Number One marrying Brigitte Nielsen in an American flag cape and doing the splits.
Apollo James Brown
After takeoff, disaster ensues with the Apollo space mission as the capsule has (what appears to be) fatal problems. Engineers race to fix the issue, but success comes only when a young James Brown appears and
screams orders such as “Do it like a sex machine”, “Get it funky in your own way!”, “Treat your daughter right!”, and “Get on up!”. Upon landing, JB spins three times and does the splits after feigning
exhaustion.
A Mighty Funky Heart
In a controversial casting choice, Brad Pitt is picked to play the role of James. We learn the shocking revelation that Gerald Ford (played by Jamie Foxx, in an equally confusing casting choice) and
James Brown were the same person.
Harry Potter and the Mystery of James Brown
JB teaches the ways of women to young Master Potter in the final episode of the series. Potter learns that no amount of sorcery can match the power of wearing a cape and doing the splits while screaming. In the end, Hermione runs off with Brown, wearing a thong and a white furcoat.
Why I might watch soccer more
While watching the Euro 2008 Final, I realized the perverse majesty of listening to a guy with a heavy Scottish accent say the following things:
- “look at him inject the piss into that”
- “you can see the bleeding – may be a couple of quick stitches or the staple gun again”
- “get that blood and stem it from coming out of the eye”
- “he was earlier denied by the woodwork”
List up on McSweeney’s
Finally got a list up on McSweeney’s.
And for the record, I got nothing but love for the trans folk out there.
Opening my big mouth: Why I have to go to Newark now
On my flight home from Seattle I sat next to a man and a woman. The guy starts chatting up the lady, but she quickly points out that she’s married. He’s undettered in his chattiness, and I worry at the thought of 5 hours of this. After a while he turns to me and asks me if I want a piece of a bet — he says he’s the mayor of Newark (which he calls an “urban mecca” and which I quickly scoff at) and that there was an Oscar-nominated movie (partially) made about him. If I lose, we have to go out to dinner in Newark at a restaurant of his choice, and attend a show at NJPAC, the performing arts center in Newark.
After having a copy of Newsweek produced with an article featuring him (including a photo) and a security detail meeting him at the airport, I put both feet squarely in my mouth and said “Mmmph Grmp Frppp”. So off to Newark I go, I guess.
The dirt: he’s a really nice guy, a good chatter, a vegetarian, and is currently filling his Netflix queue with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And this is his personal e-mail address.
My lady, writing
Marité has been busy editing for work, but also writing and getting published.
Here’s an article on burgers in L.A. she co-wrote, even though she’s a vegetarian:
http://www.fodors.com/wire/archives/002521.cfm
And articles for a new website, Divine Caroline -
One about shopping for wedding presents:
http://www.divinecaroline.com/article/22270/30452
And one on bridal sample sales:
http://www.divinecaroline.com/article/22254/30646
Vocal Impressions
MonkeyBicycle: A great name, a funny site
Just got a piece published on MonkeyBicycle.net, http://www.monkeybicycle.net/archive/Hart/text.html, an ode to my first New York apartment. Not mentioned is the time when the sweatshop next door caught on fire. Incidentally, the sweatshop has flipped and is now high-priced condos.
Feathertale: Canadian Rubber Chicken?
Rejected by McSweeney’s: Anagrams of “Moons Over My Hammy”
I’ve been submitting (and getting rejected by) McSweeney’s Lists. A LOT. Here’s one of my favorites (Note: The MOMH is a beguiling entry in the Denny’s menu). Marite gets credit for some of the better ones here.
ANAGRAMS OF “Moons Over My Hammy”
Have Mommy or My Son
Om, My Shaven Room
Mommy Has Very Moron
Oh My! Save My Mormon!
Rhyme Soon, Mayo (MVM)
Savor My Memo, My Hon
MMM! Yo-yo Harms Oven
O Ron! Shave My Mom!
Mr. Mom Moves On My Hay
Very Moosen Money Sham
Nemoy: Savory Hommy
My Homo Raven, Sommy
Mommy’s on Yam Hover
Roy, My Mom’s Ham Oven
Rove: Nosy Mommy Ham
Vary Me My Homos, Mon!
Finalist in George Plimpton Haiku contest!
The George Plimpton Project (http://plimptonproject.org/) is holding a haiku contest on the subject of George. I entered a couple of haikus based on the time I found the book Paper Lion (read it!) in an airport shop in Guatemala City. It was (if I remember correctly) literally the only English book in any of the shops.
They’re finalists in the contest! $200 up for grabs and bragging rights. Here they are:
> A Guatemalan
> Airport, a lone book, tattered,
> George as a Lion
> A distant airport
> Shop, A single English book
> George in a jersey
Yeah, not fine literature, but you try working the word Guatemala into a haiku.
McSweeney’s Posting
So after a few unfruitful attempts at submitting lists, I finally got a piece up on McSweeney’s:
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2006/8/23hart.html